selfish blog of self pity...

i'm finding it very difficult to explain how i'm feeling right now. at first, it felt like there was a huge weight lifted off me... like i could breathe again... but that weightlessness has quickly been replaced by a feeling like i'm being suffocated somehow from the inside... and nobody can see it. I have no idea how to explain it better than that. It's like someone has presented me with a cocktail, mixed out of confusion, anger, fear, hope, despair, and anxiety... with just a dash of depression. I'm getting waves of emotion, rather than just a constant feeling. I can be laughing and feeling hopeful one moment, and then suddenly everything smashes down on top of me and i can't get back up. What is actually the point of all this? What was the point of all that? What the hell am i doing? ... why?

This probably doesn't make sense to you - it doesn't really make sense to me to be completely honest, but i have to say i feel very alone. I'm not saying i'm any worse off than anyone, i'm not saying my situation is more horrible than someone elses... all i'm saying is that at this very moment, i don't know if i'm going forward, backward, standing still, spining in circles, or falling in a heap. Maye all of the above... and none, at the same time. And on top of that... i feel like no one is understanding. People are offering advice. People are getting angry. People are getting upset. People are making soothing noises.... but nothing is what it's meant to be.

*sigh*